


Delicate

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Albus Dumbledore acts out of character and decides to be helpful for once, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, James Potter is too smitten, M/M, Soulmates AU, Srius Black is dumb but he fixes it, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:21:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26471050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: James never felt quite this strongly about anyone. Not even Lily. He never felt like his skin was on fire like he could die happy just holding Sev in his arms like his life would be a dull, aching place without him. He’s pretty sure Sev doesn’t feel the same, and it’s fine.Until it isn’t.
Relationships: James Potter/Severus Snape
Comments: 41
Kudos: 402





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Harry Potter belongs to J.K Rowling, but a corgi was the one true author (I won't hear about any other possibility).  
> The fic is essentially James pinning like 12 years old and wanting to spoil Sev rotten, Sirius being a dumbass, and Remus knowing far too much. And also, Dumbledore being Dumbledore.

If someone asked James, he’d assure them that he was not nervous. James Potter doesn’t get nervous, thank you very much. Remus would then claim that he was also a big liar who lies, but he wasn’t, was he?

He searched for Snape for what it felt like the hundredth time and tried to quelch the sudden urge he felt to just stand up and search for the Slytherin. Patience has never been one of his strongest suits, Lily could attest to that.

After the events of the last term, he’d grown increasingly wary of the other boy’s behavior. Snape would go down the halls like a convict waiting for sentence, never looking up from his dirty old shoes. He barely eats anything - not that James was paying attention - and making fun of him was not as entertaining as it used to be, given that the Slytherin never took the bait. To say that it frustrated him would be an understatement.

Peter was staring at him over his plate of food, clearly trying not to look concerned and failing miserably. James forced a smile and stared at his untouched food as if it was the most interesting sight. Sirius, however, wasn’t known for his filter.

“Mate, what’s wrong with you?” He asked over a mouthful of fried chicken. James could’ve sworn that he heard Wormtail facepalming, but he wasn’t so sure. 

“I’m feeling a bit under the weather,” he lied. He couldn’t just say that he was waiting for Snivellus to show up, could he? Peter and Remus would understand - far better than he could, probably - but Padfoot was a completely different story. “I’ve got to go,” he scrambled on his feet, feeling less like himself as every minute would pass.

“Okay, Remus promised me that he’d help us with Transfiguration but we’ll go back as soon as we can,” in moments like this his best friend would sound gentler than he’s ever looked, and James couldn’t help but smile.

Without saying anything, he took off, deciding to use the map to find out if the Slytherin was even at Hogwarts. He’d never say out loud, but as every moment passed, he’d grow more worried that Snape wouldn’t come back. Lily was at the other side of the table, glancing towards the door every few minutes, and he knew that she was also concerned, but was trying not to show it.

When he saw the other boy’s name on the Hospital Wing he felt something squeeze around his heart, a hollow ache that spread like a wildfire under his ribcage. Blinking a few times to disperse the aching feeling, James took the invisibility cloak and made a move towards the infirmary.

The Gryffindor made sure not to knock anything once he got there, and the aching dull pain he felt flared angrily against him once he took in the sight before his eyes. Snape was lying on a bed, red and purple marks were surrounding his entire torso, bruises that were days old by the looks of it.

James stood against the stone walls, trying to control his ragged heartbeat. His vision was blurry despite his glasses, and the teenager felt like throwing up. Madam Pomfrey showed up, being followed by Dumbledore, whose eyes were not twinkling like they used to.

“The child was beaten by an inch of his life, Headmaster,” the woman sounded as angry as he felt. “He has belt marks all over his back, bruises that seem to be weeks old all of which were caused by his father” the woman nearly spat as she said it, and the boy closed his hands in fists. “The fact that he managed to get on the train without collapsing entirely is astonishing.”

“I’m aware, Madam Pomfrey,” he sighed, sounding utterly tired. “Is he going to be okay?”

“Physically he should be fine…Mentally? I wouldn’t be so sure” she said, eyes kinder as she looked at the unmoving boy: “He’s been through so much already, Albus. No child should endure what he did on the hands of that…man” she spat, and James didn’t need to see closely to know that her eyes were marred with the same ire he felt cursing through his veins.

He couldn’t stand there anymore; he needed to think; he needed to talk to someone. James left silently, but he could’ve sworn he felt Dumbledore’s eyes on the back of his head.

Once he got into the Gryffindor common room, he smiled at the sight before him. Sirius’ head was on Remus’ lap, and the other boy’s hand was carding through Sirius’ hair softly as he slept. They were the only two soulmates James had ever met, and it was easy to see why the Universe thought they belonged together. 

James knew how hard it was to find one’s soulmate. There were too many variables to account for. According to his parents, one can know their soulmate their entire lives without having a bond being formed. They used to tell him that it takes a special kind of connection and awareness for the bond to form - the acknowledgment of love on it’s truest presentation. His aunt also told him that soulmates wouldn’t discriminate, that they could be a muggle or a wizard, and they could live in Australia for all he knew. Most people spent their entire lives without ever finding theirs, and James was pretty sure that Remus and Sirius just got lucky. 

Not every story of soulmates had a happy ending, however. Some people were unfortunate enough to have the bond rejected before it could form, and just thinking about it made tremble with fear. According to the books, if someone has their bond rejected before it can form on both ends, the person has one year to live before their magic dies out and their bodies follow. The only way to prevent that from happening is for the rejection to be taken back completely. 

Some say that He-who-must-not-be-named was one of those unlucky people with a rejected soulbond. They said that his soulmate was a muggle who rejected him, and James would be inclined to believe that if it wasn’t for the fact that those stories were circling for ages, and the man was still alive and killing. Unless he found a way to cheat death, the stories were not true.

Dumbledore always spoke about the power soulmates hold in the world, and how truly uplifting it was to find them. Whenever he did it, James couldn’t help but wonder if the Headmaster had found his own, somehow. 

The biggest thing, however, was that there were no coordinates, no signs that helped someone know that they found The One. His family used to say that in one moment, you’d just know, in one way or the other. 

Remus looked at him and raised an eyebrow. It only took James a second to make up his mind, he needed someone to talk to, needed some solid advice. Moony has always been the more sensible one of the four, and he didn’t want to be left alone with his thoughts right now.

“Can we talk?” he whispered, casting a glance towards Sirius that mumbled something lowly and shifted slightly. He watched as his friend disentangled himself from his boyfriend and got up, making a move with his head for James to follow him. 

“What’s wrong?” Moony asked, closing the door behind him. He tumbled on the bed, trying to wrap his head around the events of today. He told his friend what happened in great detail, watching him closely as he did so. Firstly, Remus seemed confused, but then something sharper took over his always soft eyes, a fierceness that he wasn’t used to seeing on the other boy.

“You should’ve seen him, Moony,” he mumbled, playing with his wand and avoiding looking at Remus. “He was covered in bruises, Madam Pomfrey said he was lucky to be alive.”

James felt horrible once he realized that a few months ago he couldn’t care less about Snape, that he’d probably rejoice over the fact that he was this broken, and the mere thought made something boil inside of his stomach, hot and heavy. 

“Merlin, this is terrible,” Lupin said, sighing and massaging his forehead: “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he lied, forgetting that unlike Sirius and Peter, Remus wasn’t the one that would expect an easy answer. By the look on his friend’s face, it was clear he wasn’t successful at lying to him. “I just don’t know why I care,” he mumbled, plopping himself down on the couch with a loud thud. 

“Maybe you should figure that one out by yourself, Prongs,” He said, carefully, and, for some unfathomable reason, he was pretty sure Remus knew the answer already. James considered trying to annoy him into talking, but his friend had everlasting patience, and not even his harassment would get him to talk. “I can’t help you figure it out, but perhaps you should talk to Snape, get to know him”. He had to wonder what Remus could possibly know that he didn’t, for him to make that kind of suggestion.

“I’ll think about it,” he mumbled, feeling incredibly tired all of the sudden. “I really could use a drink right now,” Moony laughed at that and murmured something under his breath that he couldn’t quite hear.

“Do you want me to get Sirius off your back for a while?” He asked, and he could’ve kissed him weren’t for the fact that Remus was not completely in love with his best friend. He needed to think - something he wasn’t quite used to - and it would be impossible with Padfoot on his back every five seconds.

“Please, do,” he asked, casting the sleeping teenager a glance. “You’re a great friend,” he reminded him, just because he felt it should be said. “Goodnight, Moony.”

“Goodnight, Prongs,” James climbed the stairs two at a time and walked into the bedroom, getting rid of his clothes and jumping into the shower. For some reason, he felt dirty and had to scrub his skin red to get rid of the uncomfortable feeling. 

James allowed the water to fall down his body, pondering over his conflicting emotions. Part of him wanted to just forget about what he saw because he knew that Snivellus was rotten to the core, but the other part couldn’t help but ask the damn hard questions.  _ What if things weren’t this black and white? What if he’s assumptions were wrong? _ It was hard for him to even consider the possibility of being wrong because doing so would shift his perception of things he didn’t want to think about.

After taking a long shower, he climbed into his bed and put his glasses on the counter. Despitegoods how tired he truly was, James fell in a restless sleep a couple of hours later. That night, he dreamt with Snape beat and bruised, his lifeless eyes staring into nothing as he bled on the floor. He woke up with a startled cry, his throat closing with sudden dryness. 

James stayed in bed for the rest of the night with the uncomfortable realization that he would not be able to let this go. He would take Remus’ advice and get close to Snape, maybe that would help him figure out exactly what he should do.

Once he finally decided to get up, it was with the determination of approaching the Slytherin. The fact that he was stuck on the hospital wing would definitely work on his advantage, given the fact that he really didn’t want people to see him talking to the other. He had a reputation to maintain, after all.

After a day of classes, he decided to wait until after the curfew to head to the hospital wing. He knew there was a chance that the Slytherin would be asleep, but that was a risk he was willing to take. James tried to be quiet as he snuck out of the Gryffindor tower, thanking Merlin for his Invisibility Cloak. The castle was quiet in the dead of the night, and it would be a lot creepier if he didn’t know every inch of that place thanks to the map.

Once he got to the Hospital Wing, he found Snape tucked into his bed surrounded by a warm blanket; it reminded him of one of those muggle foods he ate on a trip a couple of months ago. What were they called? Marritos? Tabitos? He was pretty sure it was tabitos. It was honestly kind of adorable.

James had to think before dumping the Cloak. If he did that Severus might actually hex him, either by accident or intentionally, he wasn’t too sure, and he was not in the mood for that right now. He could try and move something, and sure, one would think that mumbling to the boy would be a stupid idea, but he couldn’t think of anything else.

“Hey, Snape.” He called, with a low whistle. He saw how Snape’s eyes turned big black pools, as he jumped from the bad. James quickly got rid of the cloak, poking his head out and waiting for the other boy to use some kind of spell. When it didn’t happen, he sighed in relief. 

“Potter, what the hell are you doing here?” Snape’s voice was barely a whisper, but it still sounded oddly low. He never noticed how deep and soothing his voice was before. James wasn’t sure how exactly he was supposed to answer that, and he saw the moment the Slytherin rolled his eyes and said, “I suspect you heard of this thing called the mouth, could you mayhaps be so inclined to use it?”

James left out a bark of laughter at the unmistakable acerbic comment. He never fully appreciated it, before, and he was too stunned by the fact that the other wasn’t still hexing him like he was so prone to do.

“Why haven’t you hexed me yet?” Great, James! Go giving him ideas, why don’t you?

“If I had my wand, you’d be on the floor by now, I can assure you of that,” the other said through gritted teeth. “Now, I seem to recall asking a question… What are you doing here?”

“You didn’t show up at the feast, and I may or may not have found you in here.” The look Snape gave made him shift yet again, and he hated feeling this uncertain of the things around him, it wasn’t how he was used to feeling. 

“Am I supposed to believe you suddenly care about my wellbeing?” He sneered, and something ugly roared inside of James’ chest at that. He tried at best to ignore the uneasy feeling, to no avail. “Lily hates me, James. You have no reason to be here, so why don’t you spare me of your presence and go?”

He felt intense pain squeeze his heart in a vice-like grip and had to clench his hands. He should’ve known better, should’ve realized that Snape was bound to lash out with the sight of him. But he wasn’t one to give up so easily, and he wasn’t going to start now.

“I’m not leaving,” he said, plopping on the floor and trying not to wince as he felt the pain on his arse. Snape kept staring at him like he was some kind of animal at the zoo, and just rolled his eyes as if he was resigning himself to the situation.

“How do your friends put up with you?” He was relieved to know that Snape was willing to give him an opening for a real conversation, it made him feel weirdly warm inside.

“I’ll have you know that they love my company!” He frowned, trying to convey how much the Slytherin’s assumptions hurt. “Soon enough you’ll be loving it too!” He didn’t mean it to sound it like that, but now that he said it, James could make it into his new challenge, just because. It’d be lovely, to make Snape actually grow fond of him, to make him realize that James was actually all the things people thought he was. Game on! He thought, happy with himself.

“Yeah, dream on,” the other scoffed, sounded truly offended with the possibility. “I don’t know what game you’re playing, Potter… But once they give me back my wand, I’ll hex you into oblivion!” The Gryffindor knew he meant it, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

James looked around, shuffling through a bunch of papers near Madam Pomfrey’s table, only hoping she wouldn’t see him meddling through her stuff. He found a paper with a few questions ‘to get to know each other better’, and shrugged, thinking ‘why the hell not?’

“So tell me, Severus Snape…If you could have anyone as a dinner guest, who would it be?” 

He had no idea why he was following through with this, but it didn’t matter, because Remus did suggest that he should get to know him, and he did want to win his prize after all. Snape raised an eyebrow and made a zipping move over his mouth. 

“I won’t stop pestering until you answer,” he shrugged, and then just to prove his point, said: “Severus, Severus, Severus, Severus,” he was willing to continue until Madam Pomfrey showed up (in about one hour), but the other boy just threw his pillow at him, making James laugh.

“Fine, if I answer will you shut the hell up?”

“Yep”.

“I’d have my mom,” he said, shrugging. For some reason, he remembered meeting the small boy on the train to Hogwarts and hearing him talk about how he wanted to be a Slytherin because it was his mother’s house. Something uncomfortable lodged at his throat and he did his best to ignore it.

“Don’t you see her enough as it is?” The moment the words came out of his mouth, he knew he made a mistake. Snape closed off immediately, jaw set tight and clenched fists.

“She’s dead,” he answered simply, and the Gryffindor had to control himself not to bang his head on the floor. Of fucking course she was. 

“I’m sorry, I…” James had never lost anyone before - thank Merlin - and he couldn’t imagine what it’d be like to live without his parents. He wondered if she’d died before Hogwarts, if that was the reason why he was hellbent on being sorted into Slytherin. “I didn’t know,” he mumbled, feeling entirely pathetic. 

“She died when I was ten, just before I got to Hogwarts,” he said, after a few moments of silence. “If I could, I’d give anything to have one more dinner with her.” This was far more than he bargained, and James wasn’t sure what to do with the boy that was telling him this. He wasn’t so sure he wasn’t dreaming in the first place.

“I’d have Ian Fleming over,” he said abruptly, flushing when he received a scathing look from Snape.

“Of course you’d want to have the man that wrote about James Bond over. Why am I even surprised?” The touch of sarcasm in the other boy’s voice made him grin wide. He wasn’t entirely sure why he never appreciated his dry humor before, but now he couldn’t get enough of it.

“I’m not that self-absorbed,” he said, rolling his eyes.

“Could’ve fooled me,” the other boy mumbled, and James noticed the moment when he scratched his eyes and yawned tiredly. He averted his eyes from the image and got up, saying.

“I’ll be back tomorrow,” Snape just shrugged, apparently accepting his own demise, and he smiled at the sight. Again. “Goodnight, Snape”.

The Slytherin didn’t answer, and James didn’t mind one bit.

That night, he fell into a deep slumber.

\----------

  
  


“Would you like to be famous?” He asked, the next night. Severus was begrudgingly accepting his shiny presence on the Hospital Wing, but James was sure that he would win him over eventually, it’d just take him a little while. But it was fine if that was one thing that chasing after Lily proved, was that he wasn’t a quitter

“How do they come up with these questions?” Snape asked, raising one deep dark eyebrow. The Gryffindor shrugged, playing with the bracelet his mother gave him when he was a child. 

“If I answer first would you please do it too?” He wasn’t sure why that was so important, but he really wanted to win the bet he’d made with himself. It felt like killing two birds with one stone: he got to know Snape - as Moony suggested it - and got to make Snape admit to caring about him in the end. 

“I know that you like being famous, Potter,” his voice was full of some kind of animosity, and he wondered if Snape resented him for it. “You love having people at your feet, and you’re probably here for your own personal gain.”

He sounded so damn accusatory, and he had to try hard not to scoff. Snape didn’t know him that well, how could he condemn him like that? He tried to ignore that silent whisper in his head and turned to him, saying,

“Okay, if you think you have me all figured out, what about you?”

“No. I’d like to have power, but most people don’t realize that one doesn’t correlate to the other,” he sounded years older than he actually was when he spoke as if he thought about it time and again.

“There are things that are more important than power,” he found himself saying. To James, love, friendship, and family would certainly fit the bill. 

“What, like love?” he mocked, rolling his eyes as if James was crazy for even thinking about it. “You can’t possibly believe that,” he said, once he realized that the other was being serious.

“I do,” he said, unapologetic, “Power corrupts people, it makes them crazy, it drives them over the edge.” Snape was staring at him as if he’d grown another head, and James stared right back at him. “Power always vanishes with time, you know? You strive to achieve but once you get it stops being enough, and then you pursue the next big thing…until one day nothing you’ll ever do will be enough,” thinking about it, that was what was happening to You Know Who.

“Okay, aren’t you going to ask something else?” The Gryffindor shouldn’t be surprised that Snape chose to change the subject, but it still bothered him somehow. After thinking about his options, he realized that maybe he shouldn’t push his look just now.

“Do you think about what you’re going to say before making a call?” he asked, reading the question from the paper he’d found the night before. He tried to avoid seeing through all of them, James loved the thrill he got from not knowing what would be asked next. 

“I don’t have anyone to talk to,” he mumbled. Until then, he was avoiding bringing up the reason as to why the boy was still in the Hospital Wing, he didn’t want to upset him with a subject that was still too fresh. But now, the reality of that statement made him stop on his track.

He had to physically stop himself from asking about Lily because he somehow knew it’d mean taking two steps back. Instead, he answered:

“I don’t… Remus says that I should because I have the impulse control of an eight-year-old on a sugar rush,” he told the other. James had to blink a few times when he saw the small smile playing on the other’s lips, and his stomach did something funny at the sight. 

Shaking himself off that weird stupor, he jumped straight to the next question.

“What would constitute a perfect day for you?” The question was straight forward, and he knew the answer to that already: “I’d be a picnic with my family and friends, there would those little blanket things the elves don’t seem to get the hang off, and there would be laughter and the sky would be blue above us,” he smiled dreamily, conjuring it the image he thought about thousand times over.

“Little blanket things?” Severus asked, seeming legitimately confused. “You mean croissants?” his voice was painted in disbelief, and he left out this tiny, adorable sound that made James’ insides squirm.

“Yeah, exactly!” he said, turning to face the Slytherin. He wondered when Madam Pomfrey was going to release him from the Wing, and could only hope it’d be only after Severus and him made more progress. “What about you?”

“I think it’d be a day that I could spend reading with a cup of tea in front of a fireplace,” he said, with a soft voice, and James found himself picturing it quite clearly. It was such an inane wish, at its core, and he found himself wishing that Severus never had to go back to his asshole of a father again. “Potter, what is your game? I was willing to play along but this is getting ridiculous if you ask me”

James knew that he’d been forcing his presence there, but he couldn’t outright explain his reasons, because he couldn’t comprehend them quite yet. He didn’t know why he cared, didn’t know why the idea of Snape’s father being an asshole set him on the edge, but now that he stared this he couldn’t bring himself to stop.

“I just want to get to know you,” it wasn’t the whole truth, but it didn’t matter. Snape should be thankful, really, that he was willing to look past his Slytheriness and grace him with his friendship.

Snape rolled his eyes and mumbled something under his breath and rolled on the bed, hiding under the blankets. His hair was oddly tangled and frizzy, without the greasy aspect he’d grown used to, and James had to wonder if the aspect was caused by the potions he’d brew.

“When did you last sing to yourself? Or to someone else?”

Snape didn’t answer, but he didn’t expect him to. James was self-aware enough - in spite of Remus’ claims - to know that maybe he should leave those questions behind, for now.

“I’m scared of scorpions,” he told the Slytherin, fully aware that he could use that information against him later but willing to risk it. If he wanted to establish some trust, he needed Snape to think that he was putting himself out there too.

Severus raised an eyebrow as to see if he was being serious and James tried to copy him, without success. He hated that he couldn’t do that. 

“What will happen next? Are we going to tell each other our darkest secrets, braid each other’s hairs and gush about girls?” His voice was laced with displeasure and James found that he didn’t like his sarcasm when it reminded him that Snape hated him with all he had.

“No” he elongated the word, trying not to think about what it’d be like to touch his hair, to feel it against his fingertips. “Why are you making this so difficult?” Snape glared at him and sighed.

“I’m afraid of the dark,” James wondered if his father used to punish him with it, but knew better than to ask. “And I ‘m afraid you’re not going to leave me alone”.

“Not going to happen,” it really wasn’t, now that he knew how not-completely-infuriating Severus was, he couldn’t bring himself to think about not having him around.

Snape was quiet for a while, as if he was thinking about something, and then he turned to him and said:

“I used to sing for my mom, she liked the sound of my voice,” the Gryffindor could picture quite clearly, now that he knew the other boy better. He shivered once he remembered that he didn’t get to sing for his mother anymore. 

“I'm a terrible singer, or so Sirius says” he shrugged. “But I do sing for myself in the shower”. 

“Now, one thing I and Black can agree on, who knew?” His voice was laced with sarcasm, and James couldn’t help but smile at it, yet again. Severus looked tired, so he got up and turned to him, saying:

“Do you know when you’re getting out of here?” He hasn’t considered what would happen once he did leave, too caught up in the game he was playing to think about that. He had to think about a way of being in contact with the Slytherin while making sure his image didn’t take the blow.

“Madam Pomfrey says I need to be here for at least two more days,” he mumbled, and for a few seconds, James’ chest ached with the sight of the frail and tiny boy tucked in that hospital bed. For a few moments, he wanted to hunt down Severus’ father and make him pay for every bruise he put on that body.

“Goodnight, Potter”

“Goodnight, Severus.” He barely noticed the boy’s given name slipping out of his mouth, but he couldn’t bring himself to take it back.

James’ grin was so wide that his face was hurting, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop thinking about the other boy and how well the whole situation was turning out to be.

Once he got to the dormitory, he found Sirius lying on his bed with a mouthful of chocolate he probably stole from Remus. 

“Prongs, did Lily finally say yes to your date?”

The Gryffindor stopped dead on his tracks with the question, his heart racing fast against his ribcage. 

“What?” He did not squeak, Potters do no such thing.

“Mate, you look like you have hearts in your eyes,” Padfoot informed, grinning. You see, the thing is, Sirius Orion Black was a dumbass regarding other people’s feelings - or his own - for that matter, so for him to think that James had hearts on his eyes was bad, really bad.

“No, but she did say she was considering it.” He lied as fast as he could, trying to sound nonchalant. Sirius raised his hand, so that James could high five him, and he did, without much heat behind it.

James was not going to have an existential crisis about this. Sirius was wrong, all he was doing was being friendly - just so he could Snape’s affections - this was all. He absolutely did not look any particular way. Period.

The next day, the Gryffindor all but forgot about Sirius’ assumptions from the day before. That day, classes were a complete drag. McGonagall insisted on having the students turn a bird into a goblet, and while James had always excelled at her classes, he couldn’t focus on the task at hand. Then, he may or may not have blown up a caldron in the Potions class - for the first time in years, mind you - because he couldn’t stop worrying over Severus. Once he was finally released from the dreadful Herbology class, he ran to the Great Hall, so he could eat. 

He stole a few blueberry muffins from the Great Hall just so he could give them to Severus. All the years he spent stalki-  _ observing _ Snape taught him that these ones were his favorites.

After curfew, he took his cloak and walked through the empty corridors with an open ear for Filch. He really didn’t want one of his dreadful detentions. Once he got to the Hospital Wing, Severus was seated on the bed, biting his lower lip. James ached to smooth the place with his finger.

“Hi,” he whispered, “did you miss me?” Severus’ glare had barely any heat behind it, and he found himself smiling because of it. 

“In your dreams, Potter,” He said, rolling his eyes. 

“Well, then I won’t give you the muffins that I took from the great hall,” he said grinning like a maniac and the other boy huffed, annoyed. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be a Gryffindor?”

“For you, I’ll be anything,”  _ and holy shit, what the hell was that?  _ However, when he saw the pretty shade of pink on Severus’ cheeks, James couldn’t bring himself to stop staring. He never noticed how freaking adorable the other boy was. His heart did that weird thing again, making him avert his eyes.

“Give me my damn muffin, Potter,” he said, crossing his arms. “Madam Pomfrey just keeps force-feeding me soup, I’m starving.” He complained, and James couldn’t bring himself to deny him.

“Here,” he said, holding the muffins to the Slytherin that took them and bit off a small piece. It was quite fascinating watching him eat, to see his Adam’s apple move as he swallowed the food. James had to tear his eyes away from the sight. “I want to see what the next question is going to be, shall I?” He asked, and Severus just shrugged.

“If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?”

“I’d want the mind, what use is the body for?” There was a note of something in the other boy’s voice, almost self-deprecating, and James had to bite his tongue so that he wouldn’t say something dumb. 

“The mind as well,” he told him, and Severus’ eyes widened in surprise. “My grandmother had Alzheimer’s, and not even wizarding treatment can fix that, so --”

“I’m sorry about your grandmother,” he whispered, looking away from the other. “Is there anything important happening in Potions? I don’t have anyone to bring me the notes.”

“Slughorn is teaching us how to brew Amortentia,” James answered promptly. “I have the notes if you want I can bring them here tomorrow.” Severus was clearly surprised by his offer, and James knew he’d have to bribe Remus into giving him his notes. He didn’t mind giving him explanations, not when it meant doing something nice for the other.

“Could you?” And he sounded so damn hopeful that it made James’ heart clench painfully. He wondered if Lily never offered, or if she even came to see him. 

“Of course,” the Gryffindor was surprised to notice how soft his voice had sounded, but just smiled gently and said. “You really like Potions, don’t you?”

“Yeah, it’s easy to figure it out,” Severus said, tucking himself more in the blankets. “I really like DADA as well, it’s fascinating”.

“I’m sure you’re going to figure Amortentia out in no time,” he said, honestly. “We’re going to brew it soon and hopefully you’ll be out of here until then”

Severus raised an eyebrow at the comment but said nothing to it. “ I’m tired,” he said, squinting in this really cute way that made James’ heart leap on his chest.

“I’ll be back tomorrow, goodnight”.

“Goodnight, James,” the other boy mumbled, and James felt his heart race wildly against his ribcage. 

Oh no.

\-----

James was having an existential crisis. If Peter was there, he’d claim that he had one of those every time Evans said “no” to him, but this felt different, bigger. He couldn’t bring himself to think about it too much, because if he did he’d surely go insane. 

Now that he knew Severus a little more, he knew that he needed to make sure he never went back to his father’s house. In a moment of true cunningness, he decided to write to his father to explain to him what was happening and to get him to talk to the Board of Governors of the School. He’d fight with Dumbledore himself if he had to.

He did his best to avoid thinking about Sev during classes, trying to focus on taking notes for him in classes and keeping mostly to himself throughout the day. Next to him, Peter kept throwing furtive glances his way, as if debating something.

“James, I know that you’re sneaking out every night,” the boy mumbled and he tried hard not to flinch. He didn’t sound accusatory, just worried. “I don’t know what you’re doing, but you better figure out before Sirius finds out.”

“I know,” he left out a heavy sigh. Sirius hated Sev with a fiery passion and James knew he wouldn’t be able to understand his motives, especially when they were becoming so blurry for the boy himself. “I’ll tell him when I’m ready,” he promised, and Peter acquiesced with a frown. It was better that he didn’t know why he was sneaking out, but Wormtail was always smarter than people realized, and James knew he had a point, Sirius would figure it out soon enough.

That night, when James got to the Hospital Wing he found Sev having a nightmare. His body was moving fast under the heavy blankets and his hair was sticking to his forehead. He kept begging someone to stop, and James moved before he could think about it. His father always told him to be gentle with people that were having nightmares, so he approached the boy carefully and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Sev, you’re safe, it is okay,” he said gently, and then Severus woke up with a dull scream, eyes frightened. That heavy feeling assaulted him with no mercy, and James found himself seated on the bed and holding Sev close to his chest, finding comfort in the fact that the Slytherin didn’t struggle against him. “You’re safe,” he mumbled against the boy’s hair, finding that he smelled of hibiscus and something citrusy, like lemons. His hair was incredibly soft and didn’t have any oil in it. Apparently his theory about the potions was right.

The thing that made his heart pound crazily on his ribcage; however, was how perfectly he fit against James’ body, as if he belonged there. It was quite addicting. 

“James, you’re choking me,” he complained, and the Gryffindor released even though he really didn’t want to. 

“Are you okay?” He asked, hand itching to dry the tears of the other boy’s face. He tried to control his need by closing his hands in fists. 

“It was just a nightmare,” Sev said, thumb passing through a whole on his hand-me-down robes. James thought that maybe he should buy him new ones. Those were far too large and far too dull for him. “Did you bring me muffins?” His voice was so small and hopeful that James knew he’d bake the damn things himself for Sev if he had to. 

“I’m sorry, I forgot. I can go to the kitchens and ask the house-elves for a few” he suggested, but Sev just shook his head and said:

“I--,” he stopped, and that adorable frown that appeared in his forehead made him swoon. He was completely screwed. “You can stay,” he asked, after a few seconds of silence. 

“Okay. Did Evans come to see you?” He asked, after a few minutes of silence. Sev looked down, seeming sad and James held his hand gently, making circular motions on the smooth skin. Severus’ eyes widened and the Gryffindor took his hand off, feeling self-conscious all of the sudden.

“Madam Pomfrey said that she came when I was asleep--” with a heavy heart, James was reminded that the boy used to have a massive crush on her in the past. Was that still the case? “But she left before I woke up.”

“I’m sure she’ll come around,” he said. James was still unsure of whether or not Lily would, in fact, forgive him, but he’ll talk to her about it. He didn’t want Sev to be alone, he wanted him to have his friend back. “Okay, let’s continue with the questions,” he said, desperate for a change of subject. He took the paper again and read: “Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?” Merlin, that was morbid! 

“Huh, that’s a weird question,” Severus said, frowning and rolling his eyes. “I guess if I were to die is because my soulmate rejected me.” He sounded so nonchalant about it like it was such an easy thing for him to think about it. 

James knew that whoever had Sev as his soulmate would be lucky as hell, and for the first time, he felt himself hoping for things that weren’t his business to hope for. What would it be like? To hold him, to kiss him, to have him on his arms? That was a dangerous path he was walking on, and he knew it.

“They wouldn’t reject you,” his voice sounded rougher than he intended, and Sev flinched with the graveness of it. 

It was funny because now he could see the questions on Sev’s eyes clearly even though he tried to hide it, absurd questions like: Who would want me?  _ I would. I do.  _ He wants to say, but now more than ever he knows the value of knowing when to stop talking.

“I hope I die of old age, I hope I get to have children and that they get to live in a better world than this one,” he said, dreamily. It wasn’t likely, not with You Know Who in power, but James had to believe that he would be stopped, somehow. 

“Merlin, your children would be spoiled rotten,” there was no bite behind those particular words. “I can only imagine a mini you and Lily running around Hogwarts.” James had thought about it more times than he could count, but the picture he conjured up now seemed all sorts of wrong. “They’d probably have her eyes.”

James didn’t want that, anymore. For so long, all he obsessed over was having a perfect little family with Evans, but now he could barely think about it without shivering with the wrongness of it all.

Damn it.

Remus always said that when he fell, he fell hard and fast. Turns out he was right. But what he felt for Lily truly paled in comparison to what he was feeling right now, and James knew he couldn’t go about it as he did with her. He needed time to think, to set things straight.

“I brought you the notes from the Potions class again,” he said, handing them over. “And don’t you dare complain about my handwriting!” The Slytherin didn’t need to know that James wrote the whole damn thing twice just to make sure Sev could understand. Wow, he was really pathetic.

“Thanks, Mr. Potter,” he drawled in a low tone that had James wishing he could pin Sev down the bed to kiss him senseless. _ Bad, James! _ He chastised himself. “What would you like in return?”

Your mouth on mine would be a pretty good start. “You can pay me back in kisses.”  _ What. The. Actual. Fuck. _ James wished that the floor would swallow him whole, but when he saw the prettiest blush spreading through Sev’s cheeks, he found that he’d humiliate himself further just to see him blush like that again.

“In your dreams,” Sev said, avoiding his gaze. The Gryffindor knew that he’d be dreaming about that for days to come and his hand would certainly complain about it. “Are you going to keep this up once I’m out of here?” James could see the real doubt in Sev’s eyes, and he tried hard not to scoff. 

“I will,” James really didn’t want to stay away, didn’t want Severus to think this was some kind of prank. “And it’s not a prank either.”

Severus still didn’t trust him, but it was fine, James would do one thing at a time. Now that he knew who Severus was, now that he could see him more clearly, James found that he never wanted to let him go.   
  



	2. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James’ father always told him that the rejection of a soulbond is the most excruciating pain one could suffer. He never quite believed him because there were so few stories regarding soulmates that wizards aren’t even sure they’re actually real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, guys! This is the next chapter! Guys, by the way, when I deleted my Tumblr I lost touch with my beta, and I was wondering if there's anyone willing to beta the next 3 chapters for me. If so, please let me know in the comments. Also, the next chapter will take a while because it isn't done yet (guilty look)

The next full moon was approaching, and it was hard to tell who was more concerned, Sirius or Remus. Since they started dating, Sirius would dote on Remus more often than not, and while Moony appreciated it, James also knew it worried him sometimes.

While most people wouldn’t argue against the bond between soulmates, the bigots would always claim that a werewolf shouldn’t have a soulmate to start with. People in Hogwarts didn’t know Moony’s secret, but James knew that his friend grew up hearing people shit-talk his kind, grew up believing he was a monster or a danger to people around him. Years of listening to stuff like that clearly did a number one someone.

It took Sirius months to convince Lupin that what they had was worth fighting for, and once he finally did, things weren’t exactly a fairy-tale between them. This was the one thing most people didn’t know, being soulmates didn’t automatically make everything right, it didn’t fix everything. But they were trying, and that was what mattered.

That day, two good things happened all at once. The first of them was the news that Sev would be released on the next morning, and the second was the letter he got from his father promising that he’d pull a few strings in order to help Severus. James couldn’t stop grinning the rest of the day. 

That night, James brought Sev a couple of muffins he seemed so fond of and plopped on his bed, making the other boy complain about ‘manners’. 

“So…What’s the next question?” The fact that now the Slytherin was willing to ask him that made James’ heart flutter wildly in his chest. 

He took the paper and read: “Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.”  _ Partner. _ He really liked the sound of that, though he’d very much prefer ‘boyfriend’. “Well, we are both good in Potions,” he said, casting a furtive glance Sev’s way.

“We like Ian Fleming,” he said, begrudgingly and rolled his eyes when he noticed James’ grin. 

“We both care about each other,” he said, staring at Severus and willing him to see the truth behind the words. He knew it was too soon for anything else, and unlike with Lily, James was willing to wait as long as he had to win Sev over, he deserved as much. “Right?” He asked, in half legitimate panic, half-mocking. 

“Right,” the Slytherin answered, after a few seconds in which James felt sure that the other boy would tear his heart out of his chest and stomp on it. He left out a sigh of relief he didn’t know he was holding. “Okay, next one”.

James bit his lip and kept on going: “For what in your life do you feel most grateful?”. That one was easy, but if he answered truthfully he’d surely scare Severus off. So instead of telling him how grateful he was when he decided to follow him there, he said instead: “For my parents and my friends.” One day, he’d tell him everything, one day he’d say all those things that he had bottled up but couldn’t bring himself to express.

“I don’t have anything to be grateful for,” the words were like knives in his heart. He knew that Sev was hurt, and angry but he hoped… Well, it didn’t matter what he hoped, the only thing it mattered was that the Gryffindor could give him things for which he’d be grateful for. Then maybe one day, he’d be happy to have James in his life. “Just go to the next question.”

Right. He read the question and knew better than to ask it. He didn’t want to upset him anymore, so he jumped to the next one instead.  _ Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.  _ Was that thing serious? “I can feel you worrying from here, Potter,” Severus said, with a raised eyebrow. “Just ask the damn question already, I don’t need you to protect me.”

Logically, he knew damn well that the Slytherin could take care of himself, and when they pranked him he usually gave as good as he got. But now, James was overcome by the sheer need to protect Severus from anyone and anything that tried to hurt him, by the desire to make sure no one would ever lay a finger on him again.

“Okay, okay! Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible”. Surprisingly, Sev didn’t close off with that. 

“My mother was disowned by her pureblood family after she married my Muggle father, everything was fine for a couple of months until he showed his true colors and started to beat the crap out of her” he nearly spat the words. “After she died, I became his next punching bag. Lily was the first friend I ever made.”

“No offense, but I hope your father rot in hell,” James was scared by the vicious comment, but it was the truth. Snape let out this cute little sound and he nearly died with how perfect it was.

“Trust me, I hope he does too,” he said, covering himself better. “What about you?”

“Right… Well, my parents met when they were here at Hogwarts, they aren’t soulmates but it didn’t matter to them. You know how hard it is to find them. They spent a good amount of time trying to have children but finally had me when they were older --” he stopped to breathe, giving Severus time to catch up. “I became Sirius’ friend when we turned six, and while I love Peter and Remus he has always been my best friend”.

“Do they know that you’ve been pestering for the last week?” Severus looked away at that, and James knew it was important for him to tell him the truth. 

“Peter and Remus already figured it out, I’ll tell Sirius soon.” There was no point in hiding it from him anymore. James had to hope that Sirius would understand and accept that Severus was a part of his life now. Truthfully, he wasn’t ready to tell Sirius about this just yet or to let people know that they were friends.

“When you get out of here, there’s a place I wanted you to see,”

Severus stared at him for a while, and said: “What kind of place?”

“It’s a surprise,” James said, casting him an innocent smile. Severus looked appalled by that but said nothing to contradict him. “Okay, next question… If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?”

“Probably the ability go back in time further than just a few hours,” Sev answered, staring at the distance. This small, poisonous part of James’ brain wondered if he wanted that to change what happened last year, to ensure that he’d have Evans, and he had to stop himself. There was the other part, however, that told him it wouldn’t matter. For what reason, he wasn't quite sure he wanted to know just yet.

“I’d want to be able to be a legilimens,” he told him. What wouldn't he give to be able to read Sev’s thoughts, to know exactly how he felt about him. 

Severus stared at him for what felt like hours, and cleaned his throat: “I can do that--” he looked again: “I’ve learned last summer, I can try to teach you if you’d like.” James’ heart almost climbed out of his chest at that, and he found himself nodding wildly. 

“I’d like that,” he said. “I should get going, I don’t want Madam Pomfrey kicking me out,” he mumbled, getting up and itching to caress Sev’s cheek. Damn, his whole body shivered just thinking about it.

“G’night,” Severus said, tiredly.

“Goodnight, Sev,” the nickname escaped his mouth before he could stop himself, but Sev said nothing to that and James found himself smiling yet again.

The Gryffindor common room was dark when he got in, and James would’ve found that suspicious if he was paying attention to his surroundings and not grinning like a madman. However, when this shadowy figure turned the lights on out of freaking-nowhere, he let out an undignified squeak and said:

“Merlin’s ball sacks! What the fuck, Moony!?”

Remus had his hands on his laps, and he looked like a mother that just caught her child with a hand in the cookie jar before dinner. “Sit down, we need to talk,”

Oh no. He wasn’t ready for that talk, but he knew that he couldn’t run away without pissing off his friend further. Damn it!

“Surely, the weather is quite nice, isn’t it?” He asked at the same time a thunder broke in the sky. James was pretty sure that the universe was against him. Remus just rolled his eyes and ignored his ridiculous attempts to change the subject completely. “I’m in love with him,” he said, staring, and Remus waited for him to say something. For some reason, he was pretty sure his friend knew that already.

“And what brought on this brilliant discovery?” He asked, with his voice laced with sarcasm. 

“Sarcasm doesn’t suit you, Moony,” he said, and carried on before his friend could actually hex him. “I’ve been spending quite some time with him, getting to know him as you suggested and now all I can think about is kissing him, or what it would be like to hold his hand… Moony, he’s so fucking adorable, you should see it”

Remus started laughing, the asshole. James found the nearest pillow and threw at him, but his friend ducked away easily. “Wow, you really do fall fast, don’t you?” He sounded fond, the git. “Sirius knows something is up,” he said, now thoughtful. “Peter and I are doing our best to diverge his attention but you don’t have much time before he connects the dots”.

“I know… I’ll tell him in a couple of weeks, I promise,” he vowed. “Are we okay?” He asked, hopeful.

“I want you to happy, Prongs,” his friend said, shrugging: “I haven’t seen you this happy in a really long time, so of course I’m okay--” he grinned: “And if you ask Peter, he’ll tell you the same thing”

James smiled at that. Fuck, his friends were all sorts of awesome. “I am happy,” he smiled gently.

\---

The Room of Requirement was one of James’ recent discoveries, thanks to the map. It took the four of them quite some time to figure it out how to access it at the same time - having a common goal while using it seemed to be the way.

“So let me get this straight, this room appears at random whenever we need it?” Severus asked, walking around the place that was filled with mirrors and memories. 

“Exactly, I found it last summer,” he said, walking around. “It’s quite nice, isn’t it?” Severus acquiesced and turned to him. “And it produces the things we need?”

“Yes, except for food--” he said, quite upset by this particular flaw. “I’ve tried it already”. Severus huffed and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “Do you like it?”

James found that now that he knew he was completely in love with him, he wanted Severus to like all the things he did for him. He’d be a little more concerned about the fact that a Slytherin had him wrapped around his little finger, but couldn’t bring himself to care when he saw the shy smile that played on his lips.

“Yes, I do,” he sounded amazed by it, and James had to try hard not to high five himself. “Is that a bed? Are you feeling sleepy?” The Gryffindor blushed furiously and hoped that the dim lights hid that. Fuck, he should have thought this one through a tad more.

“Yes, quite,” James lied, averting his eyes. 

You see, he was a healthy teenager boy, thank you very much! His imagination would run rampant on one occasion or another, and he’d think about how it’d be like to kiss Sev’s pale and long neck, to feel the skin under his fingers, against his tongue. And he may or may not have woken up hard on more than one occasion after dreaming of Sev under him, so the bed made a lot of sense under these circumstances.

Some days, he had to fight hard against the tendrils of desire he felt whenever Severus was around, trying to make sure he wouldn’t scare him off. He wanted him to feel comfortable around James, and that certainly wouldn’t happen if he knew the dirty thoughts that ran through his heads. Huh, maybe the legilimens lessons were a bad idea, after all.

To maintain his cover, he jumped on the bed and laughed with the appalled look on Sev’s face. He rolled his eyes and said: “Has no one taught you manners, Potter?” James just laughed harder and said:

“Please, you love it,” he half hoped that the Slytherin would agree, but he didn’t. “Come here, you”, he pleaded, hoping that Sev would say yes. 

The boy cast a furtive glance towards the empty space, shrugged and laid beside him. “If you cuddle me I’ll rip both your arms off,” he warned, and James bit his lip. There was not much he wouldn’t give to be able to hold him now; he was sure of it. He wondered if it was possible for him to fall more than he already had if he could want Severus more than he did now.

“You’re feisty,” he pointed out, making Severus blush prettily. It was funny how blind love could be, James knew that the boy wasn’t conventionally good looking, but now, all he could think about was how fucking gorgeous he was. 

“Why aren’t you chasing Lily anymore, aren’t you supposed to be one your fourth date by now?” Severus asked, and the Gryffindor struggled to try and find out whether or not he was asking because of him or because of Evans. Fuck, he hoped it wasn’t because of her.

There were two options. James could lie and spin a tale, or he could be honest. “I kind of figured it out she’s not what I want anymore,” he shrugged and tried to muffle a laugh when he saw how surprised Sev truly was. 

“Who are you and what have you done to the real James Potter?” He asked, barely containing his irony. 

“I’m still very much me, I guess I just changed,” he admitted, quite proudly. “Look what I got!” He showed the paper he stole from Pomfrey’s office and Severus groaned loudly, saying: “I thought we were going to stop with the bloody questions”. 

“Nope!” James laughed at the horrified look on Sev’s face and read the question: “If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?”

Severus stared at him for a couple of seconds - or minutes - James wasn’t entirely sure. His eyes were darker under the dim light of the room, and when the lights appeared to be brighter, the Gryffindor knew it was because of him. His eyes were two obsidian stones, deep and very fun to look at.

“If you are truly serious about following me around everywhere, and what brought this on,” the Slytherin shrugged, making himself small by hugging his legs close to his chest. 

“I’m not following you around, I’m trying to be your friend,” he explained, kindly. “And I was tired of all the fighting between us.” It was merely half a truth, but what exactly could he say? _ I’m sorry, but I realized that I’m completely and irrevocably in love with you?  _ Because that will turn out well, he thought, derisively. “I hope one day you’ll believe me.” He said, smiling softly.

“Fine, you prat!” He gave in, and James could've danced around if he wasn’t afraid that Sev might’ve taken it back. “What about you? If you had a crystal ball what would you like to know?”

“If the world will be better, eventually,” he shrugged. “If You Know Who will be stopped, so we can be happy,”

Severus was quiet for a little while as if considering his next words carefully.

“Reg is thinking about joining him --” he shifted, staring at a place in the distance. “I was too, for a while but now…I don’t want that anymore.” The sheer honesty of the words made James’ heart leap on his chest.

“What made you change your mind?” He asked, trying not to prod but failing miserably. For years, James used the excuse of Sev’s interest in the Dark Arts and The Dark Lord as a scapegoat for his own actions, knowing he thought about joining that madman has always been one of the reasons he never felt any guilt for his actions before.

James was worried that Severus considered mass murder a viable option, but they could discuss this later. All it mattered now was that he was changing his mind. 

“When Lily came here while I was asleep, it was the proof that a part of her still cares about me,” he admitted.  _ Of course, it was Lily, it was always Lily. Always her.  _ James had to look away at that. “And then I remembered something my mother said to me once… She told me that if I allowed hatred to rule me I’d certainly become my father --” he stopped, and then continued: “I don’t want that, I don’t want to be him… I want to be better than that”

James felt like his heart would constrict with the sheer emotion of that statement. It was overwhelming, truly, and completely. But his mind caught up with what the Slytherin said, and he turned to him.

“What about your colleagues? I take that they won’t like this,” Sev sniffed and shrugged again, saying: “They can’t torment more than what they already do. I just have to survive another year and everything should be fine”

“I’ll keep you safe,” he vowed, and Severus rolled his eyes and glared at him. “I’m not a damsel in distress, Potter,” he sneered. “I can take care of myself”.

_ But you don’t have to. Not anymore. I’ll always make sure you’re okay.  _ He wanted to say but knew better than to voice those thoughts. It was the kind of silent promise he’d have to keep to himself until he could win Severus over.

“We better get going, unless you want Filch to find us,” he said instead. Sev nodded and got up, and the Gryffindor tried not to miss the familiar feeling of him on the bed. “You said Regulus was thinking about joining them--”

“Yes, and his brother isn’t helping,” he said, turning towards him. “I know that you Gryffindors don’t know the next thing about subtlety, but if Black keeps going on about the way he’s doing so far, all he’ll do is deliver Reg to the Death Eaters on a silver platter”.

James knew better than to complain about the veiled insult. His opinion of Slytherins wasn’t so high, but he knew Sev had a point, he’d have to talk to Sirius about it once he told him the whole truth.

“I’ll talk to him about it,” he said, squeezing Severus’ hand tenderly. The Slytherin’s eyes were big once he noticed the touch, and James had to force himself to take the hand away. “Night, Sev”

“Goodnight, James”.

\---

James hated Slughorn, he truly, truly did. He was convinced that he was some sort of evil disguised as a professor. He and Sirius spent the last hour trying to brew Amortentia, and since Padfoot was pants at the subject, he was the one doing all the brewing while he’s best friend spent all the time whining.

“Padfoot, if you complain one more time I swear to Merlin I’ll shove this frog’s foot down your throat!” He groaned, while Sirius complied, rolling his eyes and sulking. 

He wanted Sev with him. Was that too much to ask? Though, he always wanted the Slytherin, so nothing new, really.

“Shite, I hate Slughorn!” He complained, slicing the jasmim roots and adding them to the mixture. On the other side of the room, Regulus and Severus were clearly not facing the same issues they were. Regulus was saying something to Sev, and then he suddenly reached towards the other boy’s face, caressing the cheek in what James supposed was an attempt to get rid of some dirt. The Gryffindor broke the glass he was holding, jaw so tight he thought it was going to crack.

Sirius stared at him as if he’d grown a second head, and the boy had to look at something else, anything else before he jumped on Regulus and broke his nose. Bloody Slytherins, the lot of them.

“Mate, you look like someone just hit on Evans, are you okay?” Sirius asked, with an raised eyebrow. 

Only James was never this jealous of Lily, never felt like his skin was on fire, like he might burst if Regulus touched Severus again. He wasn’t okay, far from it. If he dared to touch him like that he’d have his balls hexed off, and it just wasn’t fair! With Lily, everyone knew that she was off-limits, but he feared that if he let his feelings show, Severus would pull away completely. No, James could suffer through a lot of jealousy if it meant having him around.

“I’m fine,” he gritted out, stabbing the asphodel and adding it to the mixture. After what it felt like ages, the first part of the potion was finally ready. He couldn’t understand why something would take nine days to brew but fuck it. When the classes were finally over, James decided that he’d go to Hogsmeade and buy something nice for Severus, because he deserved nice things. 

The Common Hall was full of people, but Peter was the only Marauder there, he was biting a carrot and staring into the distance, he was even smaller when all hunched up like that. 

“Hey, Wormtail,” he said, sitting across from here. “Where are Padfoot and Moony?” He asked, looking around.

“Shagging on the broom closet” both of them made a face at that. “You look very chirpy, Prongs," he said, and if he didn’t know Peter any better, he’d say it was an innocent question. But he knew him well enough, and his friend was oddly cunning for someone that was sorted into Gryffindor.

“I am,” he shrugged, cutting his asparagus with the knife. Peter made a noncommittal sound and cast a glance towards the Slytherin table, where Severus was pointedly not eating any food and looking at Evans with something akin to hope. James looked away, and promised himself he’d get them to talk to each other eventually. Just…not now.

“I hope you know what you’re doing,” his friend said, looking at him with concern: “I never seen you look so smitten before, and I’m worried whether or not you can cope if things don’t turn out the way you’re hoping for --” he said, and there was so much hidden in the depths of what he was saying that James was slightly surprised. He sometimes would forget how perceptive and generally wise Peter could be when he wanted it to.

By now, he knew there was no point comparing what he felt for Lily to what he feels for Sev. He thought he loved her, thought that they’d have children together, that they'd live a happy life together. His love for her was all brains and reason, it made sense. What he feels for Severus makes him burn in all the good ways, makes him crave, and ache for something he’s not sure he’ll ever have. It doesn’t make sense, and he knows it’s the kind of feeling that would rewrite the stars, that would change destinies.

For a few days, he wasn’t sure he could fall more for him. And then he did, again, again, and again. Gravity was a limitless force that pulled him under, and suddenly James wasn’t merely him anymore. He was also James, who was deeply in love with Severus. He wondered then, and now, if loving could change someone so deeply, so thoroughly that it made them unable to be who they were before. Now, James’ life was divided between before Severus and after him.

James was pleased with the building trust between the two of them and was glad that Severus was slowly but surely warming up to him. Sometimes, he selfishly wishes things were moving faster, but he’d take what he could get.

He saw, with interested, the glances Evans cast towards the Slytherin table as if she was unsure about something. Part of him wanted to talk to her, to convince her into giving him another chance, and the other part - the selfish, pratty part - wanted Severus just for himself. But, day after day, the second part was ceasing to exist, slowly but surely.

He got up, ignoring the looks Lily was sending his way, and ran towards the Gryffindor tower, wanting to find his cloak and sneak out to Hogsmeade for a few hours. A few days ago, Sev mentioned that he never had the Alux chocolate. He didn’t give James any reasons, but the Gryffindor knew it was probably because of the price. 

Now, however, James would give him all the chocolate his little body could eat. This and much more. All he could do was hope that Sev’s little Slytherin heart wouldn’t wish for the Eiffel Tower, which would be much harder to accomplish.

Finding the map and the cloak, he went down the stairs wishing there weren’t so many of them. Hogsmeade was full of people that day, and James entered Honeydukes and searched around for a few minutes, trying to discern the chocolates he could buy for Severus. He chose a dark chocolate with pink pepper, a milk one with hazelnuts - hoping Sev wasn’t allergic - and one of milk chocolate and mint for Remus, because if he knew he went there and didn’t bring him anything, he’d complain for days. He chose a plain milk one for himself and paid the amount he owned in the counter. The owner and he had this unspoken agreement with each other about various amounts of galleons showing up unannounced. 

Whistling, James smiled when he saw Severus waiting for him in front of the Room of Requirement. A part of him feared that now that Sev could actually run away from him, that he’d go back to his old ways. “Hullo,” he said, grinning like a lunatic. “Look I brought you,” he practically shoved the two chocolate bars in Severus’ hand, and the boy stared at them like they were the most precious things in the world. James’ heart almost gave out at the sight.

“James, I can’t accept this--” he mumbled, still looking at his gift uncertainty. The Gryffindor scoffed, annoyed, and said: “You can and you will… Please, Sev, let me give you this,” there was a certain weight behind those words, one that he wasn’t quite ready to acknowledge quite yet. 

“Thank you,” his eyes were shining through the curtain of hair, and James couldn’t contain himself any longer. Without thinking, he kissed Sev’s forehead, the Slytherin's skin hot under his lips. Severus was blushing scarlet red with the action, and he could’ve sworn he fell for him all over again at that moment. 

“You’re such a dork,” he mumbled, averting his eyes, and the Gryffindor beamed at him. “Come on, Potter, let’s get into your precious room.” He said, rolling his eyes. 

Once they got in, the room had light up brightly. In the distance, he saw it conjuring a small table, and two sets of chairs. The self-igniting candles smelt of roses, and James’ heart almost stopped. Remus would have a field day with this, damn it!

Severus didn’t seem to mind though, and the Gryffindor loved the light the candles would cast against his features. “Do you want to eat something?” His voice was suddenly rough like he’d spent quite some time screaming. Severus looked at him under his lashes and shrugged, saying: “Sure, I’m quite hungry.”

All of this was starting to sound like a date, and he wasn’t sure if he could spend the rest of the night having this only to have to let go by the end of it. But Severus was already there, so close to him, that he would muster all his strength in order to see this through. 

The room sensed his requirement because suddenly Misty showed up with a pop of air. She was a tiny little thing with huge green eyes and perky ears. Her skin was a light shade of grey, and James was quite fond of her personality. She’d often fret over him, as most house-elves would.

“What can Misty do for young James?” She asked, frantic. The elf was casting furtive glances Severus' way, and James smiled. “Can you get me a seasoned fried chicken with garlic with mushrooms and pasta, please?” He asked, politely. “Sev, what do you want?” He turned towards the Slytherin, that looked up and said:

“Can you get me medium beef with fried rice and baked potatoes, Misty?” She nodded quite avidly and said:

“Misty will get it done in a nipsy!” She beamed, bowing, and disappearing with another pop. 

Dinner was surprisingly uneventful, and James spent an awful amount of time watching the Slytherin eat. He’d cut his food in tiny pieces and eat small amounts of food at a time, his Adam’s apple bobbing whenever he swallowed. 

“What are you looking at?” He asked, after he was done with his food. It would be easy to blurt it all right now, to tell him that he loved, was  _ in love _ with him, that he couldn’t stop if he wanted it to, and that he didn’t want it to. It would be as easy as breathing, as simple as loving him, and yet James couldn’t bring himself to utter those particular words.

“I was just thinking about how much things are changing,” it wasn’t exactly a lie. There was darkness looming around the corners, and for the first time, he was truly terrified. Severus was a half-blood, he was one of the many people You Know Who wanted to destroy, and James was terrified, truly, and honestly. He couldn’t bring himself to think about it too often, afraid of the implications.

But on accounts for all the darkness they could feel around them, it was harder not to notice the small glimpses of light. The bonds of love, friendship, the power that Voldemort could never know. Those were the little things, the ones that brought him hope. 

“Yes, they are,” Severus said, softly. “Us, for one.” Not you and I. Not simply you Us. James nearly died. “I--” he stopped, took a shuddering breath, and continued: “I’m still not sure this isn’t a prank, but if it’s not, then I’m content with this.”

“I’m content with this too, and I assure you is not a prank,” he said, “I can swear to you if you want,” he said. “You don’t need to go that far, Potter,” he sniffed, rolling his eyes. “We don’t want you to accidentally open a portal to Armageddon,” he said, with a smile playing on his lips, and James didn’t even care that he was being teased. He would ask what the hell Armageddon was but was too busy soaking in Severus’ smile to do so.

James never felt quite this strongly about anyone. Not even Lily. He never felt like his skin was on fire like he could die happy just holding Sev in his arms like his life would be a dull, aching place without him. He’s pretty sure Sev doesn’t feel the same, and it’s fine. 

Until it isn’t.

\---

James’ father always told him that the rejection of a soulbond is the most excruciating pain one could suffer. He never quite believed him because there were so few stories regarding soulmates that wizards aren’t even sure they’re actually real.

He finds the truth on a lovely warm day. He was sprinting down the hall to find Sev when he heard the commotion. For the last few days, all he could think about was how to approach Lily, so she’d forgive Severus.

James knew there was a chance that she’d steal him away, but all he wanted was for him to be happy. If Evans was the one that could give that to him, so be it. 

The Gryffindor stopped to a halt when he saw Sirius talking to Severus. Not talking, screaming actually.

“What do you think you’re doing with James?” He asked, sneering. “You think he’s your friend; that he actually cares about you?” 

The boy ran to the end of the hall, trying to stop things from escalating. Sirius was pushing Severus against the wall, and James wanted to tear his throat out. “You are more pathetic than I thought, listen to me freak, it was a prank! A joke! Do you get it? He did so he could humiliate you, and you actually fell for it!”

James yanked Sirius away hard, wishing he could just shut him up already. He turned towards Severus, and the look he gave made James’ blood run cold. No, fuck no. Don’t believe, please don’t believe him.

“Sev, please--” Severus’ head snapped at that, and he took one step away.

“You - I - Merlin, how could I be so stupid!” James took one step towards him, but the boy flinched, and the Gryffindor felt like he was being hit with a bludger. “Of all the things you could’ve done to me you… I told you things! I trusted you!” He was shaking, and all James wanted to do was hold him and tell him everything would be okay.

“Sev, listen to me--”

“Don’t fucking call me that!” He screamed, eyes glistening with unshed tears. “Don’t say my name, and don’t ever come near me again!” James knew there were people around him, but he couldn’t focus on anything because he suddenly could see something, a thread connecting him to Severus - red and bright with light.“I hate you--” he said. 

It was funny thinking about the power of words. They could build empires and civilizations, could bring spells to life, could destroy everything with a few misspoken vowels. Three words. James’ world crumbled down with three words. At first, the ache that settled around his heart was nearly blinding, and he felt as though his lungs were collapsing under the weight of those particular sounds. Merely sounds and letters jumbled together, and they were capable of tearing his heart out of his chest.

He was struggling for breath, a searing pain traveled through his entire body, and he couldn’t breathe. His vision was blurry in spite of his glasses, and he was surprised he hadn’t collapsed with the weight of them. 

“Get the fuck out of my life --” Severus finished him completely. “I don’t want to see you, I don’t want to talk to you. You disgust me,” he spat, and James wondered if Severus knew he was destroying him right now, in front of all those people.

It wasn’t merely the pain of losing his soulmate. It was the pain of losing the one person he was certain he’d love for the rest of his life. It was the pain of knowing he finally knows what love is supposed to be - selfless and gentle, but also fierce and merciless - and now it’s gone because of his own mistakes.

He wonders, in a haze, if it’d ever stop feeling like his skin was torn apart, leaving him feeling raw and exposed like an open wound. His only solace is knowing that the bond didn’t form on Sev’s end, that he’d be able to live his life. At that moment, he was sure he knew exactly the extent of his love for him.

He heard someone saying something, but he couldn’t grasp the voices. Gentle hands were on his face, and frantic amber eyes were staring at him through the fog of his overwhelming grief. James couldn’t think, and the numbness he felt at that moment was welcomed with open arms.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Open Your Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 12 months. 365 days. 525600 minutes.  
> Time became simple when James knew he was dying. Minutes and hours blurred in this everlasting pace, and he’s not quite sure he knows how to tell them apart anymore.  
> Day and night became an unfocused mess, and there are few things he can think about now. Like the sound The thread that once was ruby red is now losing its color, turning brown around the edges.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, guys! I am so fucking sorry it took me this long to update, but my life has been all over the place lately, and I'm arranging things to move to Canada, so you can imagine how everything is a mess right now. I'm not sure when I'll be able to update, it might take me some time, and I apologize in advance. This chapter wasn't betaed, any mistakes are my own

12 months. 365 days. 525600 minutes. 

Time became simple when James knew he was dying. Minutes and hours blurred in this everlasting pace, and he’s not quite sure he knows how to tell them apart anymore.

Day and night became an unfocused mess, and there are few things he can think about now. Like the sound The thread that once was ruby red is now losing its color, turning brown around the edges. 

The first day, James doesn’t get out of bed. It’s Saturday, and he’s thankful that he doesn’t need to get up. His energy is fickle, and he barely eats the plate Peter brings to him. The boy doesn’t talk, and neither does he, and that’s fine by him. He seats on the table, and James wonders. Could he see it? Could he see the gaping hole where his heart used to be? Because he feels it every time he struggles to breathe.

At first, it’s easier to let himself forget. It’s effortless to allow himself to obliterate the events of that day. It comes painlessly, to cling to the figments of his make-beliefs. He pretends that it never happened, and he feigns it until he can almost convince himself of it.

However, Sirius tries to talk to him, but all he can feel this vile anger spreading under his bones like wildfire. It’d blossom in his chest, under the weight of the silence he imposed, and he’d drink its water. It was grating, unforgiving and he’d cling to it like a lifeline. Soon, the fire would die down - a mercurial thing in a shapeless haze of reds and blues. Soon, it would no longer exist, and he wasn’t sure he could handle whatever would come next. 

“James, please I--” he said, and the other could only do so much to contain the pressure inside of him. Like rolling thunder in a storm, words he’d never said otherwise were spilled.

“Please what, Sirius? Please hear you out? Please forgive you for making haste decisions? Please forget about the time where you almost led Severus to his death without even thinking about your goddamn boyfriend?” 

It wasn’t fair, but James was just exhausted and angry all the time. Sirius flinched, eyes glossing over with the words that were spoken, words that he couldn't take it back. It wasn’t enough, somehow. Now that the pressure was finally released, he couldn’t stop.

“I didn’t mean to upset you, I swear to you, James. If I’d known he was your friend--” the other said, and James wasn’t entirely sure if the earth was shaking or if he's the one trembling with the sheer ire he felt on his bones.

“And yet you did!” He shouted, unrestrained grief and sheer wrath glazing under his skin. “Get out!” He wanted to throw something at him, but he was just so fucking tired. “Get the hell out!” He screamed again, and Sirius didn’t even look at him once he got out.

He feels jagged and broken raw, and the numbness after the earthquake is almost welcomed.

On Sunday he receives a letter from his father telling him about how he convinced the Board of Governors that Severus shouldn’t return to his relatives. His father talks about finding him a foster home for the time in which he’s a minor, and that’s the first glimmer of happiness he feels. He holds onto it as hard as he can.

On Monday, James wonders how he’ll keep his own demise a secret from other people. He thinks about the things he wouldn’t give for things to be different. It was agonizing, discovering that he’d been sleepwalking for most of his life, that he’d been less than half himself throughout the entirety of it. He finally found the other half, and it was taken from him so abruptly he ponders if it happened at all. 

Lily approaches him that day, and he’s not entirely sure what he was expecting. “Potter, we need to talk,” she said, pulling him towards an empty classroom. He wonders if she’ll kill him and hide his body somewhere, and that was a welcomed thought. “How could you do that to Severus?” He wants to laugh, wants to roll his eyes, but he just makes himself smaller instead.

“I didn’t do anything. Sirius was being an asshole,” he snarled and the girl flinched, clearly surprised by the viciousness of those words. “I swear to you on my magic, Evans! I was not playing a prank on him.”

She looked at him for so long that he wondered if she was using legilimens on him. After what it felt an eternity, she acquiesced, and he sagged with relief.

“You need to tell him that, Potter,” she said, calmly. Like he didn’t spend every waking moment thinking about it. 

“He won’t listen to me, Evans,” he snapped, and she stared at him in a way that made him slightly uncomfortable. “I tried already today, I spent the entire day in front of the dungeons, and he won’t let me get n-near him” his voice cracked at the end of the sentence, and he felt even more pathetic than before.

It only took Lily two seconds to put the pieces together, and truly, sometimes he was surprised by how smart she truly was. Her green eyes widened momentarily, big eyes under her red lashes, and he waited for the words he knew were coming. “Oh my God,” she said, utterly surprised. “Holy Merlin, you’re in love with him!”

He laughs, but it comes out as this hollow, meaningless sound. Of course, she’d figure out before his fucking best friend could, and didn’t that say something? James refused to think about Sirius because thinking about it meant remembering things he’d rather forget completely. 

“Congratulations, 50 points to Gryffindor,” his voice was laced with sarcasm, but he couldn't bring himself to care. How dare she stand there, acting all high and mighty? How could a bunch of kids be that fucked up? “And why do you suddenly care about him? He made one mistake, Lily! One terrible, disgusting mistake, granted, but you could’ve at least heard him out! You could’ve given him one chance!”

Evans was staring at him with this energy he couldn’t quite understand. None of them were saints, he knew that, but he knew how little options Severus must have had during his life, how scared he must have felt to be compelled to join You Know Who. All he could do was hope that this whole situation didn’t make him change his mind again.

“It was not just that! He was walking with Mulciber and Avery, and he called Mudblood!” She said, with that fire he used to love, but now it just feels that it belongs to her the same way his heart belongs to Severus. 

“And who else was he supposed to have? I’m not excusing what he said to you, Lily! You didn’t deserve to be called that, but he had no one—“ his voice cracked again, and he feared that his control was slipping somehow. “I made sure of that, me and the others...with every bloody prank, with every kind of abuse we’ve inflicted on him, we made sure he had no one to turn to! I know it doesn’t excuse what he said, but put yourself in his shoes --” he looked away. “How would’ve reacted in his place, if you’re being fucking exposed to the entire school, with your dignity was being threatened so harshly?”

She looked away as well, and he knew his words hit close to home.

“None of us are saints, Lily,” he said. “You should think about whether or not one mistake is worth years of friendship,” the words rang too close home, too similar to what he was experiencing with Sirius.

He left her at that, and the anger he once felt started to slowly fade away, leaving behind this overwhelming paralysis. James kept walking through the school, falling the path the stairs took.

He suddenly found himself in front of a room he never felt before and stepped inside. There was nothing but this large mirror, it looked like an antique, and the golden sunlight glimmered through the windows casting reflections over the golden frame.

James looked closer, and to his surprise, what he saw was not his reflection, but something else entirely. In the glass, he could see himself holding Sev closely, kissing his cheek with affection, and the way Severus was looking at him was everything. All the things he dreamed off, all those he wished, were reflected in that simple object.

He didn’t know long he stayed there, looking at that mirror and willing it to let what he saw become real. The Gryffindor barely heard the footsteps, and he was surprised to see the Headmaster looking at him with that knowing twinkle on his pale blue eyes.

“I see that you found the Mirror of Erised, mister Potter,” the man said, with both hands laced together. 

“What does it do?” He asked before he could stop himself, but then he realized what Erised backward was, and looked at the older man in surprise. “It shows our deepest desires, doesn’t it?”

Dumbledore simply smiled in a way that he couldn’t possibly comprehend, and his assessment that the man must not be entirely normal was a full force at that moment. He always got this weird feeling from the man, like he was this omniscient being that knows much but says little, and it truly unsettles him.

“Quite right, my boy," he says, somewhat fondly. “May I ask what brings you here at this hour?”

“I honestly don’t know,” he shrugged. “I was walking through the castle and the stairs led me here,” he explained, sheepishly. 

“I see,” he looked at the mirror, and James could’ve sworn he could see the longing in his eyes. “I must urge you not to come look at this Mirror again, Mr Potter,” the man asks, and the boy looks at him through his lashes. “Many have perished before it.” He wants to ask why an object so dangerous would be at a school full of children but thinks better of it.

“I won’t, sir,” he promises. He gets up, and before he leaves, he turns to the Headmaster yet again. “Sir, may I ask you something?” he bit his lips, and Dumbledore merely nodded: “What do you do when you realize you might not be one of the good guys?”

James wanted even the smallest of reaction of the older wizard, but got none.

“Maybe there are no good guys, Mr Potter," he said, not unkindly, “maybe there are just people, doing what they can, day after day. Perhaps, sometimes the only choices we have are hard ones, choices that no one should be forced to make, and maybe some of them are simply bad ones, but we still have to make them. In all truth, we all want to believe that we are the heroes in all our stories, not realizing that there’s a lot of damage to be done even when you have nothing but good intentions,” he said, and took a withering breath, looking at the mirror yet again. “It may appear easy to make the right decision, but sometimes it takes the strength most do not possess.”

For some reason, James felt that the wizard was speaking from experience, and he wonders if that was what happened between him and Grindelwald. At that moment, he feels like he’s seeing a kindred spirit, an untethered soul, not like his own, but broken nevertheless. 

He knows that Dumbledore is partially to blame as well. He should’ve known better. He was the adult there, many things would’ve never gone this badly if he’d intervened sooner if he was someone a little bit more fair. These were children, and he was offering cryptic advice instead of actually dealing with the problem head-on. 

“Thank you, Headmaster,” he said, instead. Dumbledore just looked at him as if willing something to appear in front of him, and he said, after a while:

“Whatever happened between you and Mister Snape can be fixed, Mr Potter,” he’d have asked how he knew about that, but then again, there was not much Dumbledore didn’t know. “If you truly care for him, remember that love is a resilient, yet very delicate thing, my child.”

And with that, he left and James was torn between being grateful and angry at the vagueness of the older man.

When he got back to the Gryffindor common room, Sirius was waiting for him there. The boy wanted to hightail it, not ready to deal with that yet. Too much was said the last time they spoke, and he wasn’t ready to be reminded of everything. But before he could run in a very un-Gryffindor manner, his friend looked at him with big, grey eyes. It was easy to see that he didn’t get a good night’s sleep. It shouldn’t make him feel better, but it did.

“Prongs, please talk to me,” his voice was beseeching, and James knew that he needed to talk to him. “I know that I screw up, but I need to understand what I did wrong --” he toyed with his fingers, his face scrunched up. “I noticed that you seemed different. You were sneaking out, and I followed you, that was when I saw you getting into the Room of Requirement with that git,” he said, and James had to use every ounce of control not to punch him.

“Sirius, I’m going to tell you this once, and I hope you understand,” his voice was calm but left no opening for discussion. “You don’t get to call him git, not anymore. You want to know the truth, and I’ll give you that, but I’ll not let you badmouth Sev.” 

“I found out a while ago that Severus was in a very bad situation, I won’t get into details because that’s not my story to tell, but it was bad --” he clenched his hands, feeling tired all of the sudden. “I started to spend time with him, getting to know him and I fell in love with him.”

He waited for Sirius' reaction, and he noted all the ways he reacted to the news. His jaw was cracked open, grey eyes wide, and James could see the flicker of surprise in those orbs. He knew it’d take his friend some time to get used to it, the same way it’d take him time to come to terms with the fact that the person he was meant to be with hated him.

“You--” he stopped, swallowed loudly, and then kept going, “you’re not kidding.” He shrugged, averting his eyes. “How-Why… Holy Merlin, how the hell did that happen?” His friend was usually better with words, to see him this worked up was kind of amusing. 

“It's hard not to fall for him once you get to know him,” he said calmly. And it was scary to think that he fell this deeply even before realizing that Sev was his soulmate. He’d already learned what it meant to truly love by then, his feelings weren’t a by-product of the bond between them.

He wasn’t sure he could love Severus more than he already did, but with this bond, he knew that these feelings might grow and make room for something larger. It was a scary thought, that one.

“I ruined this, haven’t I?” One thing James had learned by being friends with Sirius his entire life, was that he rarely owned up for his mistakes. “I thought he was doing something to you, that he somehow was making you be his friend and I--” his friend looked at him with such an intensity that it almost made him choke. “I’ll fix this, I’ll talk to Snape and let him know that I was lying, please let me fix this”.

Could James be selfish right now? He’d been selfish his whole life, had put his own personal gain above others and had been a vicious bully who found happiness in making someone else’s life a living hell.

And he wanted, Merlin how he wanted it. He wanted to have Sev around, wanted to put his hands on his slender waist, wanted to pull him into a tight embrace, just wished he could cuddle him and kiss him and have him. Fuck, the ache he’d been trying to suppress ever since that day spread wildly, and he felt like he was going to be sick.

He needed him, he needed so badly he felt like his bones were cracking, his facade cracking under the weight of his sheer need. His comfort - merciless and cruel - was to know that Sev wouldn’t miss him when he eventually died.

“Please, I--” his vision was getting blurred, and he was desperate. “Please, make him listen to you”.

“I will!” 


End file.
